What do you do when the tears finally stop falling. And everything you feel is numb. How do you keep going when everything you have know is gone. and the one that you had is no longer there. Where do you find the strength that you need. How much longer can i resist the call of the blade against my skin itching to see red flow from my veins. I am at a loss. i really dont know where to go from here. I want to give in and give up. everyone else has so why cant i do it to.

My life is slowly falling into darkness how do i escape? I need a release. The blade i had long forgotten is starting to call my name again. i dont know if i can resist this time. Im falling apart i want to run and hide. I want to give into the darkness that is now surrounding me. I feel so lost and alone. so very alone. People look to me for help and i try to help but how can i help someone when i cant even help myself get through this. How can i keep waking up to this life of mine that is full of so much pain and dissapointment. is there no one that i can truely trust and can count on? When i fade away into this darkness i know i wont be able to come out of it again. Im to tired to fight. Im to tired to care. And im left alone to do this on my own. I cant even shed a tiny tear from my eyes. I feel to numb. Never again to find peace. so tell me what is next?

Things Seem to be just going crazy. My job is pissing me off by making me work at there other store when i dont want to and if i dont keep my hours at 60 my pay check gets cut. which sucks ass. And Patrick is stressing me out because he wont trust me and treats me like a criminal when i havent done shit. i Dont even know where to go from here. Part of me want to just leave and runaway from him. Im very good at that. ive been running all my life. But something is holding me back. And i dont know what. But i do know that if things dont change soon then running away is bond to happen. He is starting to scare me and i have been in enough relationships to know when i need to get out. he has started following me and being paranoid. Will things ever be like they once were between us will i ever know that happiness again. O and he want to move in with his "girl" friend. and he thinks thats ok. Whom he had liked for like two years. If he really goes through with it then i know that will be the end of us. I am not afraid to say that im jealous. because i am. and i cant be with someone who knows how uncomfortable i am with this and just does it anyway so i guess the question is where do i go from here?? 

So yea i had my doctors appointment today and it sucked ass. You see they think i have cancer so they had to do a byopsy. which i might add hurt like hell. Its hard for me to admit this but im scared. im not even twenty yet and my life is slipping out of my grasp. Dark thought enter my head. how do i escape to a better place and not go back to old bad habits

 A cursed life with too much pain,
feel as tho there's nothing in my life left to maintain.
Thoughts in my head which drive me insane,
suicide take my life in vain.
But then like an answered pray in my life you came,
filled my heart with so much love the pain began to drain.
Make me feel in life i have so much to gain,
as in my soul you make burn the brightest flame

 You try and talk to the one you think cares the most
But the words you really want to say fail one more time
You try and show the one you think cares the most
All the tears that wont dare be shed
You hope the one that you think cares the most
Can see all the pain behind your pretty eyes
And that your smile that you proudly show
Is only a mask to hide all that you dare not show
If the one that you think cares the most truely cares
Then why are you so sad

Alot has happened over the past few weeks. I have found myself at a crossroad. I feel stuck but at the same time i feel like im being pulled in both directions. I work all the time and its very tiring. And patrick and i have now been together for 7 months and i feel as though im looking for more. Don't get me wrong i love him very very much and can not see my self without him i really can't. It is just that i need change, i need a vacation from everything and everyone. There is only one problem. I dont have the money to take time off. So im slowing slipping away into nothing. i do the same thing day after day, i go to work then i go home late at night. i feel like i do not really have a life. The amount of stress i have really isnt helpful. i feel like life is just passing me by. I do not complain to any one because nothing good can come of it. so i find myself once again returing to these wonderful pages. My dad is not helping either. he is so suicidal that it scares me everyday. so im having to find more energy that i dont have and put it all into him. so he knows that i love him and need him. I need to find an escape some how some way. If i dont its going to destroy me. im already slipping away. here i am turing 20 this year and i feel like my life is just going way to fast and i cant keep up. What is there left for me to do. Do i just give up on what i have already achieved and start over somewhere else or do i keep going on this way and only have hope that something better is going to come along. How do i find the hope that i so desprately need. Where do i find some sense of peace. Im lost and i have no map. I have been through thick and even thicker and thin. I guess i just need a break on life. A break with no worries, stress, or obligations. I seriously doubt i will find it anytime soon. I can only pray that i find it before my life consumes me all together. And there isnt anything left of me.